my phone needs a breathalizer
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
