I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Ketchup is God's man juice
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
