Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
