you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
