where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
it's like iHOP with fire
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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