Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
