I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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