I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
