We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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