it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
