If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
