dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
