i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
