There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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