I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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