Only a mothe r could love this liver
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
