they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
