You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
