A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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