24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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