The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
