We're like a lot better than the average bears
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize