Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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