ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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