I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
