I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
