i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
