I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
