go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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