i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
