I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
