Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
