Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
