so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
