if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
