evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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