I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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