How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
