You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
