remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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