The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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