I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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