I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
