I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
