Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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