remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
