the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
