my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize