At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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