I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
