I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
