clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
