I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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