Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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