You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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