Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
please don't ironically join a cult
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