highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
