i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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