A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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