he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
