I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
